Parenting

Like so many of us, in my early stages of parenthood I took a very traditional, mainstream approach to caring for my first-born. I’m thrilled to say that today I’ve grown. For the betterment and health of my children, I examined new ways of doing things. By listening, not only to my heart, but to my babies, and opening my mind to those around me willing to share their wisdom and experiences, I believe I’ve created a bond with my children that will last a lifetime.

Because of this, I hope to share some of my misconceptions and solutions with others, in hope of enlightening them to truly examine their parenting options and methods, and ask themselves if they believe they are as close to their little one’s as they believe they should be. I am here to tell you that raising a baby can truly be a beautiful experience.

My son right now is sleeping. He is sick, poor little man. It’s just a cold, nothing too serious, but my heart aches to make it better, to bend over backward to provide him some relief. My old instincts with my daughter were; run to the store; buy medicine, and give her dose after dose to make the symptoms better. It’s not good for little ones to have the sniffles, right?

I was 22 when my daughter was born; I thought I knew it all. I had read the books, performed research online, taken Lamaze classes for childbirth, and completed both a “new parents” class and a breastfeeding class. I was totally prepared to have my daughter; or so I thought.

Things were tough with her. I knew I wanted to breastfeed, but she had a hard time latching on. The “class” I took did me little to no good. All the “strategies” I was taught, I had forgotten. The methods that worked with the baby doll in class were in no way effective with a moving, screaming newborn. The Lactation consultant at the hospital said, “you’re fine, doing it fine, just keep it up, you’ll get it.” So, I trusted this person knew what she was talking about. And I listened. I didn’t seek more help; I didn’t even realize more help was actually available.

She could not latch. It got to the point where I was hysterical. I was crying, basically praying to God that He not let my baby wake up, because feeding her had become such a traumatic experience. It was truly a sad situation; one that I will never forget.

Well, I know now, the reason behind the difficulties was simple. Not only was I uncomfortable, I was scared. Breastfeeding was foreign to me. I had not seen it done, I personally was not breastfed, nor was my husband at the time. Having the baby there freaked me out, and having her sucking on me was almost worse.

I did know that breast milk was best, so I bought an electric Breast Pump. I then started pumping every two hours, in order to feed her the “best food” through a bottle. Though I had no idea how MUCH to pump, so I got more milk than my baby could ever drink. To give you an idea of approximately how much I pumped, after Aubrey was fed breast milk the entire first year of her life, I was still able to ship over 50 pounds of breast milk to Mothers Milk Bank in Austin Texas. (http://www.mmbaustin.org/) The Mother’s Milk Bank is a great facility. Their mission: “The Mothers’ Milk Bank at Austin is a non-profit organization whose mission is to accept, pasteurize and dispense donor human milk by physician prescription primarily to premature and ill infants.” (Provided by http://www.mmbaustin.org)

Other things I just “knew” before I had her, included babies should be laid down as much as possible, they need to become independent. Babies need to sleep on their own from the beginning and at 6 months they need to “learn” to fall asleep themselves.

Aubrey was as a baby, I am ashamed to say, Furberized (Dr. Furber’s method of parenting and getting kids to sleep is letting them Cry It Out). She was laid on the floor or placed in a swing or car seat a lot. She wasn’t connected to me at all. There were times I felt more like her nanny than her mother. Part of the reason for all of this was my now ex-husband’s belief that Aubrey needed a schedule and structure, and she needed to be in her own bed; the fact that I had read all of those books contributed to the confusion as well. I wanted to be the best parent ever, so I thought reading the books was the way to make that happen.

Frankly, I never once listened to my body, my heart or her cries. Don’t get me wrong, I was not abusive, but we did let her cry, especially after 6 months when we Furberized her to get her to learn how to sleep. I did not listen to the chemical changes in my body when my daughter cried; I did not learn her cues, and we struggled on a day-to-day basis. (“When your baby cries there is an actual chemical reaction in your body, prolactin the ‘mothering hormone’ is releised and your body physically gets ready to breastfeed.” Statement provided by: http://www.consciouschoice.com/1999/cc1210/parenting1210.html)

Then through a series of events that are not relevant, Aubrey’s father and I divorced. I started easing up a bit; I did still believe what all the books said, but I also started thinking maybe I should listen to what Aubrey was trying to say, and my heart as well.

Four years later, at 26, after being a mother for several years, I got pregnant with my son. I had always wanted to be a Mother, but I struggled with the idea of keeping my son. I was opposed to an abortion; but I was not working at the time, and I had a 4-year-old daughter to support. I did more thinking and crying in the first couple months of that pregnancy than I think I have in my entire life.

Unfortunately, within a week of knowing I was pregnant, Zachary’s father decided that he did not want to be a part of Zachary’s life, and signed away his rights to him. So it was all up to me. It was not easy, but in the end I decided to listen to my heart, trust myself and my faith in God, and know that God would never give me more than I could handle. I decided to keep him. It was one of the most frightening and difficult decisions I have ever made not because I did not want or love Zachary, but because I wanted the absolute best for Zachary!

With that decision behind me, then came the thoughts of how I would parent him. I knew that there had to be better methods than those I used with my daughter. She had been so detached from me. Again, I turned to my heart, listened, and tried to trust myself. Over time, I’ve gradually learned that trusting my own judgment is a major accomplishment.

I was determined to breastfeed. Come hell or high water, I would breastfeed. So I started looking for help before my son was born, joining my local La Leche League (http://www.lalecheleague.org/) “The La Leche League International mission is: To help mothers worldwide to breastfeed through mother-to-mother support, encouragement, information, and education and to promote a better understanding of breastfeeding as an important element in the healthy development of the baby and mother.” The League has wonderful support groups, and great leaders, that really CARE about your breastfeeding success!!

I wrote up a plan, and on that plan I pledged that Zachary was not to have any bottles at all after birth, and I stuck to it. Again, breastfeeding wasn’t easy. Zachary had a hard time latching. I had a lot of extra milk and over active let down. We struggled hard in those first few days and weeks.

However, despite the difficulties, instead of crying and hoping my son would never wake up, I spent many nights just staring at the wonder of him. I would stroke his hair and breathe his new baby smell, soaking in every detail of who he was. I am sitting here crying as I think of this time; what an amazing experience that was.

After we left the hospital the fun began. And this time it really was fun. Though many in my family and those around me felt that Zachary was more work than Aubrey, for me, it was far less.

I held Zachary all the time

Did you know that it’s physically impossible to hold a baby too much? I nursed him on demand, and did not let him cry. If he cried, it was with in the loving wrap of my arms. Everyone told me I would spoil him, but even science says: “Attachment studies have spoiled the spoiling theory. Researchers Drs. Bell and Ainsworth at John Hopkins University studied two sets of parents and their children. Group A were attachment-parented babies. These babies were securely attached, the products of responsive parenting. Group B babies were parented in a more restrained way, with a set schedule and given a less intuitive and nurturing response to their cues. All these babies were tracked for at least a year. Which group do you think eventually turned out to be the most independent? Group A, the securely attached babies. Researchers who have studied the affects of parenting styles on children’s later outcome have concluded, to put it simply, that the spoiling theory is utter nonsense.”

Not only does science support my new way of parenting, so did my heart. And, it ended up being FAR less work than the way I had tried to parent before. I utilized new tools, that I had no knowledge of after my first pregnancy, like baby carriers. Traditional things like swings and bouncers did not work for Zachary; he wanted to be with me. So I took to slinging him daily, constantly just about, and it was far more effective as other tools we tried.

Think about it, what’s the ONE thing they tell new parents, that babies like best, learn from best and want around most? You and your face. Babies learn from the face and actually like looking at it better than anything else in the world. Why do you think a baby can see best within 6-8 inches of their face? That’s the traditional distance between their nursing face and your face! They like to look at you and love the natural sway of your body.

Attachment parenting is not something I knew about before I had my son or my daughter. My finding the phrase for it was by pure accident, though I am so glad I did. It so helps to know other mom’s like me, and know I am not alone.

For me attachment parenting is not about following a set of rules, although there are “guidelines” that reinforce the theory of “attachment parenting”. Attachment parenting can include things like Emotional Responsiveness, Breastfeeding, Baby wearing, Shared Sleep, Avoiding Prolonged Separation, Positive Discipline and maintaining a balance in your family life.

If for one reason or another sharing sleep, for example, is not for you, rest assured that would not at all imply that you’re not an attached parent or that you’re “bad” in some way. All aspects of attachment parenting are not for everyone. Being an attached parent is more or less just a general term, for loving and becoming in-tune to, and more responsive with your own baby.

All parents love their children, but many don’t “know” their children. One cry sounds like every other; one gesture is just like the rest. An attached parent is much more likely to know and understand their baby’s wants and needs and do something about them. Knowing the difference between a cry of hunger from a cry from fear would be a good example.

Babies don’t do things to manipulate us; they do things because that’s all they can do, to get the response they need from the people that love them. Until birth, all they’ve known is being in a warm, cozy place where they were never hungry or hurt. Now, all of a sudden they are thrust into the world of lights, loud noises, hunger, experiencing pain and feeling cold! How scary it must be for them. Attachment Parenting is about realizing that, and allowing ourselves to be nurturing.

In closing, be true to yourself, your marriage (or relationship), and to your baby and/or children. Trust that in the end no matter what kind of parent you are, your children are blessed to have you in their lives. There are many different ways to parent, I hope that you will open your mind to the different possibilities out there, look “outside” the mainstream line of things, and more to the natural side of things. There are many places to get awesome attachment parenting products to help you in your quest, as well as websites with a lot more information. I suggest Attachment Parenting International (http://www.attachmentparenting.org/) which has support groups, and other information, and Kelly Mom is also a great website for help with breastfeeding. (http://www.kellymom.com) to name a few.

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One of the leading problems effecting today’s youth is that of childhood obesity. One of the most important parenting tips that could ultimately save a child’s life is to deal with the problem early and yet with great sensitivity. The truth is that dealing with this delicate parenting issue early may help to save a child from dealing with obesity and other related illnesses in later life.

Over the years, the presence of obesity in children has dramatically increased. Many experts attribute the surge to over exposure to video games, television and computers. Others suspect that the increasing problem stems from poor eating habits and still others believe it may be a little bit of both.

Among other problems, obese children are at higher risk for developing diabetes and heart related illnesses. Health professionals are commonly worried that children who battle with weight early in life may face obesity later in adulthood, which could have a very negative impact on their health.

A child who is overweight or has recently been diagnosed with obesity, should not be singled out from the family as being the only one needing to make a change in their lifestyle. This is one of the most important parenting techniques to use when dealing with childhood obesity and is also one that will greatly impact a child’s self-esteem. If parenting isn’t done properly in this situation, the child may forever feel inferior or begin to identify themselves by how much they weigh, which is an unhealthy possibility. It is important that the entire family join together and participate in healthier meals, less television time and increased levels of activity, including walking.

Among the best parenting remedies used to combat obesity is preparing more fruits, vegetables and less foods that are high in fat. Positive parenting techniques will involve having healthy snacks available for your family and encouraging them over junk foods. Additionally, set a schedule for the family to take a brisk walk or spend some time doing some type of physical activity, including a game of basketball, softball, volleyball, etc. Anything that will get your child up and moving instead of spending all of his/her time in front of the television or video game will be to their benefit and will lend to the positive impact of good parenting. And finally, be vocal during your child’s medical visits. This includes asking the doctor questions about any concerns that you may have, as well as taking his/her advice when it comes to the health of your child.

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It is just part of parenting teens to feel shut out and worthless as a parent, right? This is not the case. Most children (remember, teens are still kids) need a firm parental hand on their shoulder. While most of the time they will make good decisions based on what you have taught them through the years, other times they will struggle endlessly with peer pressure. The first thing that you need to do as a parent is to take a step back and then make your move.

Take A Step Back

Parenting teens is no easy task. The first thing that you need to do, no matter how angry you are, is to take a small step back and realize what is really happening with your teen. To do this, you need to realize what they are facing. They are facing peer pressure, constant rejection from friends and are usually struggling with their self image. They are under a lot of stress and do not need you to add to it.

Make Your Move

No matter what you see when you take your step back; you need to react to it. If you are thinking that you do not need to worry about your child because they will make the right choices, you are welcoming their pain. Instead, you need to pull them aside when they are having trouble and talk to them in a frank yet understanding way. For example, if you suspect that your child is doing drugs, sit down with them, tell them what you think is happening and offer to help them to get them back on track. No accusations, no pressure, just you being a parent.

Realize that all children make mistakes, even teens. The mistakes teens make are just bigger and more life threatening than those that toddlers make. Yet, parenting teens means being a parent to them. Realize what is happening to your child. Realize what you need to do about it. Forgive them for making the mistake and help them to get out of it. You will need to do this type of parenting for as long as you have teens.

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Parenting can be a daunting prospect even for the most accomplished and the most prepared. Good parenting is a balance of many different factors and you will need to discipline as well as spend good, quality time with your child. In this modern age, time is of a premium. Even when parents do find they have some spare time to interact with their children this time is often spent worrying about what needs to be done next.

Make sure you set aside some time every day to spend with your child or children and when you do, try to concentrate solely on them. If you appear withdrawn or distracted your child will notice and in many cases they will associate it with their own actions. Do things that will educate and entertain them and remember that socializing is as educational as any other activity.

A well-socialized child will grow into well-adapted young adult. Usually, they will easily make friends and treat people with respect. They will also be able to attract similar responses from those around them. Socializing should start very early on and playgroups can be an excellent opportunity to interact with children of their own and different ages. Because there are a number of children at playgroups and parents can attend, a playgroup should become something to look forward to.

By setting aside this time every day or routinely attending playgroups you are already beginning to build a good structure in your child’s life. Your future parenting requirements will be greatly helped by this. Children appreciate structure because it helps them to concentrate and it makes them feel at ease, but if they are unaccustomed to this structured way of life then they will find it difficult to adapt when you start demanding it. If you work unusual hours or stay at work late it can be difficult to include this structure, but you should do so whenever you can.

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There is much literature on how to parent challenging children these days. Unfortunately much of that literature does not typically address the child with special parenting needs and a special parenting understanding. A child that has been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder, oppositional defiant disorder,or even depression, requires an understanding not of the behavior itself,but rather of the underlying dynamics driving the behavior. Take for example the analogy of an iceberg. Typically when we refer to an iceberg we are referring to what we see above the surface. However, 90% of every iceberg is invisible, lying under the surface. What you consider to be an iceberg is really only the tip. It’s an overwhelming thought when considering how enormous an iceberg is above the surface. Imagine the other 90% lurking underneath.

Negative behaviors demonstrated by children are much the same. Whereas we may attempt to remove an iceberg by hacking away from the top down, we will only be spending endless time and energy focusing on the smallest aspect of the iceberg. When we encourage parents to only focus on alleviating behavior through simple behavior modification charts, boot camp tactics, or logical consequences, we are actually missing the most important part of the behavior. Typically a focus just on the behavior may eliminate the behavior for a while to only see it return another day with greater intensity. Specific parenting steps can be taken to effectively help reduce problem behaviors in a rapid period of time. The steps will not be easy to implement, however with a firm resolve to stay the course the effectiveness of each approach is guaranteed to be effective.

The Stress Model
Stress plays a vital role in everything that we do. As an internal experience we rely on stress daily to stay alive, and engage the outside world. In addition, we rely on stress to fight illness, digest food, and recover from difficult times. Just to laugh is to experience a state of stress. In considering parenting techniques for severe behavior we will be relying on a theory of human behavior called the Stress Model. The Stress Model is a very simple theory of behavior that says, “All behavior arises from a state of stress and in between the behavior and the stress is the presence of one of two primary emotions: Love or Fear. It is through the expression, processing, and understanding of the emotion that we can calm the stress and diminish the behavior.

Very important point:There are only two primary emotions –love and fear. Anger is not a primary emotion. It is a feeling that is secondary to the bodily experience of fear. A fear experience can occur through any of the sensory pathways. Through what you see, hear, touch, smell, taste, and even the temperature of your body. The experience of both stress and fear is cellular. It occurs unconsciously. You won’t always know what causes fear or stress. If you are seeing anger, rage, jealousy, and more it is arising from fear, rather than the anger. Love is the space between two people. It is always present and surrounds us each day. The only thing that keeps us out of love is our fear. Since the presence of love is natural, it is up to us to put fear aside and step into the presence of love. You may have heard it said, “Perfect love casts out all fear,” or “Love and fear cannot co-exist.”We have calmly come to perceive as love is only fear in disguise. Most often times we do not see this because we fail to see our own fear the majority of the time. When talking about the specific severe behaviors, it will be important to remember the fear and stress they create in the parent first. If you try to overcome fear by creating more fear, you only make fear greater.

Action exercise:
Try to see fear in actions between you and your child for one full week. You’ll be amazed.

Copyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved.

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The advent of cloning, surrogate motherhood, and the donation of gametes and sperm have shaken the traditional biological definition of parenthood to its foundations. The social roles of parents have similarly been recast by the decline of the nuclear family and the surge of alternative household formats.

Why do people become parents in the first place?

Raising children comprises equal measures of satisfaction and frustration. Parents often employ a psychological defense mechanism – known as “cognitive dissonance” – to suppress the negative aspects of parenting and to deny the unpalatable fact that raising children is time consuming, exhausting, and strains otherwise pleasurable and tranquil relationships to their limits.

Not to mention the fact that the gestational mother experiences “considerable discomfort, effort, and risk in the course of pregnancy and childbirth” (Narayan, U., and J.J. Bartkowiak (1999) Having and Raising Children: Unconventional Families, Hard Choices, and the Social Good University Park, PA: The Pennsylvania State University Press, Quoted in the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy).

Parenting is possibly an irrational vocation, but humanity keeps breeding and procreating. It may well be the call of nature. All living species reproduce and most of them parent. Is maternity (and paternity) proof that, beneath the ephemeral veneer of civilization, we are still merely a kind of beast, subject to the impulses and hard-wired behavior that permeate the rest of the animal kingdom?

In his seminal tome, “The Selfish Gene”, Richard Dawkins suggested that we copulate in order to preserve our genetic material by embedding it in the future gene pool. Survival itself – whether in the form of DNA, or, on a higher-level, as a species – determines our parenting instinct. Breeding and nurturing the young are mere safe conduct mechanisms, handing the precious cargo of genetics down generations of “organic containers”.

Yet, surely, to ignore the epistemological and emotional realities of parenthood is misleadingly reductionistic. Moreover, Dawkins commits the scientific faux-pas of teleology. Nature has no purpose “in mind”, mainly because it has no mind. Things simply are, period. That genes end up being forwarded in time does not entail that Nature (or, for that matter, “God”) planned it this way. Arguments from design have long – and convincingly – been refuted by countless philosophers.

Still, human beings do act intentionally. Back to square one: why bring children to the world and burden ourselves with decades of commitment to perfect strangers?

First hypothesis: offspring allow us to “delay” death. Our progeny are the medium through which our genetic material is propagated and immortalized. Additionally, by remembering us, our children “keep us alive” after physical death.

These, of course, are self-delusional, self-serving, illusions.

Our genetic material gets diluted with time. While it constitutes 50% of the first generation – it amounts to a measly 6% three generations later. If the everlastingness of one’s unadulterated DNA was the paramount concern – incest would have been the norm.

As for one’s enduring memory – well, do you recall or can you name your maternal or paternal great great grandfather? Of course you can’t. So much for that. Intellectual feats or architectural monuments are far more potent mementos.

Still, we have been so well-indoctrinated that this misconception – that children equal immortality – yields a baby boom in each post war period. Having been existentially threatened, people multiply in the vain belief that they thus best protect their genetic heritage and their memory.

Let’s study another explanation.

The utilitarian view is that one’s offspring are an asset – kind of pension plan and insurance policy rolled into one. Children are still treated as a yielding property in many parts of the world. They plough fields and do menial jobs very effectively. People “hedge their bets” by bringing multiple copies of themselves to the world. Indeed, as infant mortality plunges – in the better-educated, higher income parts of the world – so does fecundity.

In the Western world, though, children have long ceased to be a profitable proposition. At present, they are more of an economic drag and a liability. Many continue to live with their parents into their thirties and consume the family’s savings in college tuition, sumptuous weddings, expensive divorces, and parasitic habits. Alternatively, increasing mobility breaks families apart at an early stage. Either way, children are not longer the founts of emotional sustenance and monetary support they allegedly used to be.

How about this one then:

Procreation serves to preserve the cohesiveness of the family nucleus. It further bonds father to mother and strengthens the ties between siblings. Or is it the other way around and a cohesive and warm family is conductive to reproduction?

Both statements, alas, are false.

Stable and functional families sport far fewer children than abnormal or dysfunctional ones. Between one third and one half  of all children are born in single parent or in other non-traditional, non-nuclear – typically poor and under-educated – households. In such families children are mostly born unwanted and unwelcome – the sad outcomes of accidents and mishaps, wrong fertility planning, lust gone awry and misguided turns of events.

The more sexually active people are and the less safe their desirous exploits – the more they are likely to end up with a bundle of joy (the American saccharine expression for a newborn). Many children are the results of sexual ignorance, bad timing, and a vigorous and undisciplined sexual drive among teenagers, the poor, and the less educated.

Still, there is no denying that most people want their kids and love them. They are attached to them and experience grief and bereavement when they die, depart, or are sick. Most parents find parenthood emotionally fulfilling, happiness-inducing, and highly satisfying. This pertains even to unplanned and initially unwanted new arrivals.

Could this be the missing link? Do fatherhood and motherhood revolve around self-gratification? Does it all boil down to the pleasure principle?

Childrearing may, indeed, be habit forming. Nine months of pregnancy and a host of social positive reinforcements and expectations condition the parents to do the job. Still, a living tot is nothing like the abstract concept. Babies cry, soil themselves and their environment, stink, and severely disrupt the lives of their parents. Nothing too enticing here.

One’s spawns are a risky venture. So many things can and do go wrong. So few expectations, wishes, and dreams are realized. So much pain is inflicted on the parents. And then the child runs off and his procreators are left to face the “empty nest”. The emotional “returns” on a child are rarely commensurate with the magnitude of the investment.

If you eliminate the impossible, what is left – however improbable – must be the truth. People multiply because it provides them with narcissistic supply.

A Narcissist is a person who projects a (false) image unto others and uses the interest this generates to regulate a labile and grandiose sense of self-worth. The reactions garnered by the narcissist – attention, unconditional acceptance, adulation, admiration, affirmation – are collectively known as “narcissistic supply”. The narcissist objectifies people and treats them as mere instruments of gratification.

Infants go through a phase of unbridled fantasy, tyrannical behavior, and perceived omnipotence. An adult narcissist, in other words, is still stuck in his “terrible twos” and is possessed with the emotional maturity of a toddler. To some degree, we are all narcissists. Yet, as we grow, we learn to empathize and to love ourselves and others.

This edifice of maturity is severely tested by newfound parenthood.

Babies evokes in the parent the most primordial drives, protective, animalistic instincts, the desire to merge with the newborn and a sense of terror generated by such a desire (a fear of vanishing and of being assimilated). Neonates engender in their parents an emotional regression.

The parents find themselves revisiting their own childhood even as they are caring for the newborn. The crumbling of decades and layers of personal growth is accompanied by a resurgence of the aforementioned early infancy narcissistic defenses. Parents – especially new ones – are gradually transformed into narcissists by this encounter and find in their children the perfect sources of narcissistic supply, euphemistically known as love. Really it is a form of symbiotic codependence of both parties.

Even the most balanced, most mature, most psychodynamically stable of parents finds such a flood of narcissistic supply irresistible and addictive. It enhances his or her self-confidence, buttresses self esteem, regulates the sense of self-worth, and projects a complimentary image of the parent to himself or herself.

It fast becomes indispensable, especially in the emotionally vulnerable position in which the parent finds herself, with the reawakening and repetition of all the unresolved conflicts that she had with her own parents.

If this theory is true, if breeding is merely about securing prime quality narcissistic supply, then the higher the self confidence, the self esteem, the self worth of the parent, the clearer and more realistic his self image, and the more abundant his other sources of narcissistic supply – the fewer children he will have. These predictions are borne out by reality.

The higher the education and the income of adults – and, consequently, the firmer their sense of self worth – the fewer children they have. Children are perceived as counter-productive: not only is their output (narcissistic supply) redundant, they hinder the parent’s professional and pecuniary progress.

The more children people can economically afford – the fewer they have. This gives the lie to the Selfish Gene hypothesis. The more educated they are, the more they know about the world and about themselves, the less they seek to procreate. The more advanced the civilization, the more efforts it invests in preventing the birth of children. Contraceptives, family planning, and abortions are typical of affluent, well informed societies.

The more plentiful the narcissistic supply afforded by other sources – the lesser the emphasis on breeding. Freud described the mechanism of sublimation: the sex drive, the Eros (libido), can be “converted”, “sublimated” into other activities. All the sublimatory channels – politics and art, for instance – are narcissistic and yield narcissistic supply. They render children superfluous. Creative people have fewer children than the average or none at all. This is because they are narcissistically self sufficient.

The key to our determination to have children is our wish to experience the same unconditional love that we received from our mothers, this intoxicating feeling of being adored without caveats, for what we are, with no limits, reservations, or calculations. This is the most powerful, crystallized form of narcissistic supply. It nourishes our self-love, self worth and self-confidence. It infuses us with feelings of omnipotence and omniscience. In these, and other respects, parenthood is a return to infancy.

Appendix

Question:

Is there a “typical” relationship between the narcissist and his family?

Answer:

We are all members of a few families in our lifetime: the one that we are born to and the one(s) that we create. We all transfer hurts, attitudes, fears, hopes and desires – a whole emotional baggage – from the former to the latter. The narcissist is no exception.

The narcissist has a dichotomous view of humanity: humans are either Sources of Narcissistic Supply (and, then, idealised and over-valued) or do not fulfil this function (and, therefore, are valueless, devalued). The narcissist gets all the love that he needs from himself. From the outside he needs approval, affirmation, admiration, adoration, attention – in other words, externalised Ego boundary functions.

He does not require – nor does he seek – his parents’ or his siblings’ love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as the audience in the theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them.

He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars – their very self is a false one). He acts the pitiful, or, its opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual, or physical capacities and achievements, or behaviour patterns appreciated by the members of the family. When confronted with (younger) siblings or with his own children, the narcissist is likely to go through three phases:

At first, he perceives his offspring or siblings as a threat to his Narcissistic Supply, such as the attention of his spouse, or mother, as the case may be. They intrude on his turf and invade the Pathological Narcissistic Space. The narcissist does his best to belittle them, hurt (even physically) and humiliate them and then, when these reactions prove ineffective or counter productive, he retreats into an imaginary world of omnipotence. A period of emotional absence and detachment ensues.

His aggression having failed to elicit Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist proceeds to indulge himself in daydreaming, delusions of grandeur, planning of future coups, nostalgia and hurt (the Lost Paradise Syndrome). The narcissist reacts this way to the birth of his children or to the introduction of new foci of attention to the family cell (even to a new pet!).

Whoever the narcissist perceives to be in competition for scarce Narcissistic Supply is relegated to the role of the enemy. Where the uninhibited expression of the aggression and hostility aroused by this predicament is illegitimate or impossible – the narcissist prefers to stay away. Rather than attack his offspring or siblings, he sometimes immediately disconnects, detaches himself emotionally, becomes cold and uninterested, or directs transformed anger at his mate or at his parents (the more “legitimate” targets).

Other narcissists see the opportunity in the “mishap”. They seek to manipulate their parents (or their mate) by “taking over” the newcomer. Such narcissists monopolise their siblings or their newborn children. This way, indirectly, they benefit from the attention directed at the infants. The sibling or offspring become vicarious sources of Narcissistic Supply and proxies for the narcissist.

An example: by being closely identified with his offspring, a narcissistic father secures the grateful admiration of the mother (“What an outstanding father/brother he is”). He also assumes part of or all the credit for baby’s/sibling’s achievements. This is a process of annexation and assimilation of the other, a strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships.

As siblings or progeny grow older, the narcissist begins to see their potential to be edifying, reliable and satisfactory Sources of Narcissistic Supply. His attitude, then, is completely transformed. The former threats have now become promising potentials. He cultivates those whom he trusts to be the most rewarding. He encourages them to idolise him, to adore him, to be awed by him, to admire his deeds and capabilities, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, in short to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his follies-de-grandeur.

It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse – up to and including outright incest – is heightened. The narcissist is auto-erotic. He is the preferred object of his own sexual attraction. His siblings and his children share his genetic material. Molesting or having intercourse with them is as close as the narcissist gets to having sex with himself.

Moreover, the narcissist perceives sex in terms of annexation. The partner is “assimilated” and becomes an extension of the narcissist, a fully controlled and manipulated object. Sex, to the narcissist, is the ultimate act of depersonalization and objectification of the other. He actually masturbates with other people’s bodies.

Minors pose little danger of criticizing the narcissist or confronting him. They are perfect, malleable and abundant sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist derives gratification from having coital relations with adulating, physically and mentally inferior, inexperienced and dependent “bodies”.

These roles – allocated to them explicitly and demandingly or implicitly and perniciously by the narcissist – are best fulfilled by ones whose mind is not yet fully formed and independent. The older the siblings or offspring, the more they become critical, even judgemental, of the narcissist. They are better able to put into context and perspective his actions, to question his motives, to anticipate his moves.

As they mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against him for what he has done to them in the past, when they were less capable of resistance. They can gauge his true stature, talents and achievements – which, usually, lag far behind the claims that he makes.

This brings the narcissist a full cycle back to the first phase. Again, he perceives his siblings or sons/daughters as threats. He quickly becomes disillusioned and devaluing. He loses all interest, becomes emotionally remote, absent and cold, rejects any effort to communicate with him, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time.

He feels burdened, cornered, besieged, suffocated, and claustrophobic. He wants to get away, to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He does not understand why he has to support them, or to suffer their company and he believes himself to have been deliberately and ruthlessly trapped.

He rebels either passively-aggressively (by refusing to act or by intentionally sabotaging the relationships) or actively (by being overly critical, aggressive, unpleasant, verbally and psychologically abusive and so on). Slowly – to justify his acts to himself – he gets immersed in conspiracy theories with clear paranoid hues.

To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) – but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?).

This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members – he tries to assimilate or annex of siblings or offspring – he obtains Narcissistic Supply from them – he overvalues and idealizes these newfound sources – as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behaviours – the narcissist devalues them – the narcissist feels stifled and trapped – the narcissist becomes paranoid – the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates.

This cycle characterises not only the family life of the narcissist. It is to be found in other realms of his life (his career, for instance). At work, the narcissist, initially, feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers, cronies and friends which he “nurtures and cultivates” in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (to him, they are the brightest, the most loyal, with the biggest chances to climb the corporate ladder and other superlatives).

But following some anti-narcissistic behaviours on their part (a critical remark, a disagreement, a refusal, however polite) – the narcissist devalues all these previously idealized individuals. Now that they have dared oppose him – they are judged by him to be stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition, skills and talents, common (the worst expletive in the narcissist’s vocabulary), with an unspectacular career ahead of them.

The narcissist feels that he is misallocating his scarce and invaluable resources (for instance, his time). He feels besieged and suffocated. He rebels and erupts in a serious of self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours, which lead to the disintegration of his life.

Doomed to build and ruin, attach and detach, appreciate and depreciate, the narcissist is predictable in his “death wish”. What sets him apart from other suicidal types is that his wish is granted to him in small, tormenting doses throughout his anguished life.

Canada Thunder

Canada Vaughan

Waterloo facts

Parenting Question

I have a parenting question regarding the challenges I have with a strong willed child. The challenge we have is with our 12 year old.  When corrected she will argue her point of view until the bitter end.  Our point is never taken into account and it usually ends in a long drawn out yelling match.  If you don’t agree with her point of view, she doesn’t feel heard nor understood and then becomes defensive and does not even listen to our side.  We say black, she says white. My parenting question is how can we prevent family yelling matches and resolve issues with control and authority?

Sincerely,

Penny – One Tired Step Mom

Positive Parenting Advice from Family Counselor Kelly Nault on Dealing with an Angry Kid

Dear Tired Step Mom,

Being a step mom offers a host of challenges and I applaud you for taking the time to find a solution to your family stress. The key to solving conflict with an angry kid like your daughter is to understand what she really wants and give it to her. And what an angry child really wants may just surprise you. Transforming an Angry Kid with R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

An angry kid either wants greater control in their life or respect from their parents (and often times both!). The more respect you give your child (especially children approaching the teenage years), the more respect they will give you.

Here I have used the word >R.E.S.P.E.C.T as an acronym to give you some commonsense parenting tips that can solve the conflict in your home quickly.

R Respect Your Child – Always treat your child, as you want to be treated. This is sometimes easier said than done but essential to your success. Children model what they see. Even if your child has provoked you, falling into parenting traps such as yelling or using harsh punishment only teaches your child to lash out and disrespect you more.

The simplest way to determine if you are being respectful is to ask yourself: “Would I use this tone and say what I am saying to a friend or acquaintance?” If the answer is “no” (and you’re pretty sure that they would recycle you for a new friend), it’s time to change your tone.

E Expect Respect in Return – We always treat children how to treat us. When children are disrespectful it is important to respond in a respectful but firm way that let’s them know you will not be walked over. Say something like, “I can see you are angry right now. I am happy to listen to you once you use a respectful tone with me. When you change your tone come and get me as I really want to hear what you have to say.” If they continue being disrespectful, keep your mouth shut, walk away and wait for them to come to you in a respectful manner before discussing any further.

S Support Your Child – Support your child by having enough faith in their ability to learn from their mistakes. Refrain from “I told you so” comments and don’t spend a lot of time (if any) pointing out what they did wrong. Once things have calmed down ask them “How did that work for you?” “What did you really want?” and “How could you make it better next time?”

P Positive Attitude – Remaining positive helps more than we often know to keep the atmosphere in our home supportive. Do what you need to do to keep yourself positive by getting enough sleep (sleep deprivation can turn us into a raving Godzilla), do things you love to do and spend quality fun time with each of your children.

E Encourage a cooling off period in the heat of the moment – Continuing a fight while you are angry will never solve a fight. When feeling angry always take a short cooling off period so you don’t escalate the fight and say something you will regret later on.

C Create Family Rules for Fighting – When things are calm, create family rules for fighting and post them in special places around the house (even put one in your wallet and in the car). Include the following: what each family member will do during their cool down period to make themselves feel better, an inspirational oath or prayer that you agree to read out loud after every one has cooled down (before discussing the issue) and specific ways each of you will listen to one another. To get best results create this document as a family.

T Train Your Child – Good parenting means taking the time to show your kids how to do things on their own. Give them more responsibility over time. With a hectic schedule, it can be easier and quicker to do the task for your kids rather than taking the time to teach them how to do it for themselves. Training is what gives our children a chance to develop essential life skills, gain self-confidence, and ultimately feel respected.

How to Ask for an Apology from an Angry Child

When we do another wrong, apologies are the path to healing. Apologies are precious commodities that are not to be thrown around lightly in conversation, and not to be wasted during a heated discussion. In times of conflict, we may say something like, “I expect an apology young lady!” in a tone that means “NOW!” But in reality this is only a verbal punishment. The time for apologies is when all parties are calmed down enough to give, hear and feel them.

You can absolutely ask for an apology from you child but for any apology to be effective it needs to have flexible terms. A request for an apology should sound like this: “I would like an apology when you are ready to give it.” This simple statement is honest, clear and respectful. Parents aren’t the only ones deserving of an apology. It is important for moms and dads to apologize when they have messed up too.

Your family is fortunate to have you as their step-mom. By remembering that your angry child is simply crying out for more understanding and more respect you can solve the conflict that has you so frustrated. Give them respect, expect respect in return and watch your child’s behavior change for the better.

Canada Sarnia

Canada Sault Ste

Canada St Catharines

Copyright 2006 Paul Arinaga

This article presents a parenting tip for using sound, and especially onomatopoeia, with child stories. The benefits are:

1.  they make child stories more interesting

2. stories become more interactive

3. making sounds is fun!

Why Use Sound?

As recently as a few centuries ago, stories were primarily oral/aural; they were spoken, not read.

Even today, good storytelling in writing is pretty much the same as good storytelling verbally. Unlike adult “stories”, children’s stories have always been spoken or read aloud, and still are today.

One way to make your stories more “verbal” is to use sound or onomatopoeia.

“Onomoto” what?

Onomatopoeia are words that imitate sounds. For example, a cow says “moo” or a clock goes “tick tock tick tock”.

Here are 5 ideas for using onomatopoeia in the stories you write or tell.

#1   Use them and add them

Kids love onomatopoeia and they add color to your stories. So, sprinkle them generously throughout your story.

Even if you’re reading someone else’s story to your child, you could easily ad lib and add in a few onomatopoeia here and there.

#2   Borrow

Different cultures have different sounds. It’s quite interesting to discover that in Japan dogs say “wan wan” while in North America they say “woof woof” or “bow wow”.

Borrowing sounds from other cultures is a good way to expose your children to foreign languages and the fact that people can be different (or hear/produce sounds in a completely different way). So, next time you come across “cockle doodle doo” you can mention that in French they say “cocoricoo” and in Dutch they say “kukelekuu”.

#3   Make ‘em up!

This can be really fun. You can have a contest with your kids to see what sounds you all can come up with. They’ll love it and it’ll help draw them into the story more.

#4   Start with a sound

Starting a story with a sound is a great way to grab kids’ attention right from the very beginning. Here are some examples:

“Whoo-eeee!” they exclaimed with delight. “Boom!” the explosion rocked the little town. “Cooka-looka-doo!” crowed the goofy rooster.

#5   Use sounds to build to a climax

You can start with a low rumbling noise that builds to a roar. This will be more effective than telling. Also, the contrast will really add excitement to your story just as dynamic contrast (e.g. crescendos) adds more excitement to music.

#6   Modulate your voice

Be loud, be soft, be high-pitched, be low-pitched.

The contrast will keep your kids interested in the story.

#7   Use sounds/onomatopoei to describe characters or settings

Onomatopoeia are not only for animals and things. You can use them to reveal emotions as well in your dialogue. Some examples are: “grrr” “augh” or “hmphhh”.

You can even use onomatopoeia to describe characters or settings. For example, “it was a hot day that seemed to sizzle: ‘ts-i-i-i-i-i…’”

Conclusion

One word of caution: pay attention to the phonetic spelling of your onomatopoeia so that people pronounce them more or less as you intended.

It seems like several millennia of human history have something to teach us: human beings love stories AND we love sound.

So, use sounds in your child stories as much as you want. A written child story will become almost like a multi-media document.

And above all, have fun with it!

Peterborough facts

Canada Pickering

Richmond facts

The floors of the living space of our home is completely laid with marble, cut out of limestone, and polished to a silvery sheen. It was cool for the tropics and for the hot day.

But it was also slippery, especially if water is spilt on to it.

That was why, one fine day, our baby boy Vin who was barely a toddler at three years old, stepped on his split drink from his plastic cup, and fell.

The doctor diagnosed a slight fracture on his left hand, and after a few days in a sling, the fracture healed by itself as it was very slight, and he was well again.

That taught us a lesson of home safety for kids. Always ensure the floors are dry if they are not carpeted.

But there was more to this.

I discovered Nature had a way to compensate for the fracture. Very soon, it seemed Vin liked to use his left hand that had been fractured before more often than his right, and that became his strong hand.

He was using his left hand for writing, for playing with the crayons, and for holding his toys.

He was a “leftie”!

Questions raced through my mind.

Should I trained him against his natural desires to be ambivalent – to use both hands for writing? Would it be harmful to him emotionally and personally? How would this affect him when he is older? Would he resent having been forced against his will?

What a dilemma it was!

Let us see what the German advice center for left-handers, “The Green Cross” in Marburg said.

The first test to apply is to identify the left-handed child. This is easily done by observing with which hand he first spontaneously grabs a toy.

Having identified a left handed child positively,  support the child by helping him with writing and painting exercises.

Left handed kids have tensed-up hand position. When they write with their left hand, they get tensed up easier because they find it harder to see what they are writing.

Therefore, the parent should lay the paper to the left of the child, and clockwise about 30 degrees to the right, with the hand held below the line on which the child is writing.

Teach the child to use his right hand to hold the paper on the right side.

Should a parent force the left handed child to use his right?

The Green Cross emphasised that parents must never force and try to train a left handed child to become right-handed. Reasons?

The left-handed child will start to have concentration problems and difficulties, and also develop negative psychological effects later on in life.

Did I force my son to be ambextrous aand to use both his hands for writing?

When he was 10 years old, I took him to the largest Left-Handed Shop in the world. It was located in The Quay, in Sydney Harbor area. He was beaming with all the toys, the utensils and everything else that was designed for the left-handed world. Here inside this shop, he was able to find everything designed to meet his needs as a left-hander.

To this day, Vin is still left-handed and writes beautifully with his left hand.

North Bay facts

City of Oakville

Oshawa facts

As a parent you hate it when your kids are sick. We want them to get better as quick as possible, and of course usually the quickest way is with antibiotics or medicine of some kind.

Where the problem comes in is when your child does not like their medicine and does not want to take it. While you of course will give your child what the doctor prescribes but don’t be afraid to ask about the taste and if you have a child that struggles to take a certain kind of medicine see if their is an alternative.

Yes we can force feed them their medicine but it is unpleasant for everyone and if your child gets upset enough they will just throw it back up anyway. Plus unless you are extremely proficient at this you may waste doses.

Anything you can do for your child to make it easier for them to take their medicine will get them healthier quicker and save you and them from some miserable moments.

I have found with liquids that don’t taste good that if I have a drink ready with something sweet it seems to help, I have even been known to use a spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down easier.

While no parent likes to do it you can plug your child’s nose so they have to open their mouth and try it that way. If your quick it does work most of the time, but that doesn’t solve the problem if they hate their chewables or can’t swallow pills easy.

I finally resorted to bribery with the nasty tasting chewable medicine. We got a package of sweet tarts and she would have a sweet tart, follow it with the chewable, and then another sweet tart. This of course only works if you child likes this type of candy. But you can try others if you have to.

When it comes to pills that need to be swallowed that is sometimes tough for children to learn how to do. I have found that placing the pill in a spoonful of applesauce makes it easier for my daughter to get the pill down without choking.

I hope these tips help. Make sure you are firm when it comes to medicine, let them know that somehow someway the medicine must get into their tummy to make them feel better. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be sympathetic and follow the dosage with a whole lot of attention and love.

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